Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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