Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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