i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
