I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My cat gives me a boner
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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