I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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