I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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