It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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