I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
