I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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