1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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