Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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