I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
