He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
