i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
