I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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