OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
