Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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