what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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