you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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