A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
