so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
