she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
sarcasm needs its own font
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
