Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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