I wish I could teleport
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
