Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
