Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
