so that wasnt chicken after all
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
