i think my mom watched the whole time
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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