come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
