Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
