So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
