I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
