I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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