overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
