i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Girls should come with a carfax report
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
