I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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