my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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