At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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