mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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