I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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