U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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