Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
