oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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