Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
