I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
