I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
