weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My dick has a subreddit
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
