Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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