I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
