6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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