sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
