i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
