Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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