i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
